#so many of my mental issues can be compared to wavefunction collapse

[platypusisnotonfire]

I have more to say about the tags like this is ABSOLUTELY my most hated symptom of ADHD in that willpower means NOTHING.

I can want to do something SO BAD but be unable to move, and on occasion have it be so bad that I have a literal 200bpm panic attack just sitting there because I cannot motivate myself to move and do the thing.

And in the occasion that I can overcome the paralysis, if the ADHD is still saying “no,” there is nothing I can accomplish with the shred of willpower I have. It’s just like “no we aren’t doing this now. I am going to completely disconnect the part of your brain that knows how to do this activity so you CANT do it.” I cognitively CANNOT remember how to do the task, the knowledge has been erased from the archive memory.

I’ve washed dishes my entire life. They were my first childhood regular chore at 4 years old. I worked as a dishwasher when I was 16.

I’ll stand in front of the sink and my brain REFUSES to remember the first step of dishes is “pick up the sponge.” Absolutely INCAPABLE of remembering the first step, I’ll just stand there staring FREAKING OUT that I can’t get started.

And THE ABSOLUTE WORST PART is that if another person is in the room, I get body-doubled and the ADHD says “yeah sure someone else is here, I’ll unlock that knowledge” so no one can ever WITNESS me having absolutely disabling levels of wandering around my house in a panic just moving things but not accomplishing a single task.

I am convinced if someone were to see me doing this ridiculous song and dance moving a jacket to 12 different locations even tho the coat rack is right there within arms reach or picking up a cup and staring at it because I have NO IDEA what to do with a cup rn, where does a cup go, and then setting the cup on top of the wardrobe to pick up a pair of shorts and stare at it with incomprehension and then set them on the kitchen counter…and do this for hours

…..they would immediately be like “OH you have an ACTUAL mental illness. This is not normal. You are behaving so strangely that I think this might me a form of psychosis”

But of course no one can ever see this happening because just like a wavefunction, I suddenly cohere into a functional person upon Being Perceived.

I need to clean my house entirely TODAY because I’m going away and don’t want the cat sitter to have to deal with mess and while I had the entire week to do it. And all of today to do it.

I HATE that instead of realizing “today is the last day NOW it’s urgent you must clean “ My brain calculated “I can do all that in about an hour or two (of absolutely light-speed rush cleaning)” and therefore the ADHD urgency panic mode will not activate until there’s like an hour or two before bed.

I am watching Venom rn when I could be leisurely cleaning my dishes

Instead I’ll probably wait until midnight and go OH DAMN and then the ADHD will let me clean.